Connect with us

Adding Value

Adding Value: Success and the Imperatives of Setting Boundaries by Henry Ukazu

Published

on

Dear Destiny Friend,

The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything – Warren Buffet.

One of the qualities of great people that ever lived on planet earth is focus. Without focus it will be difficult to get any work done. This is because when you are focused, you will define what you really want and what you don’t want. To succeed in every profession or vocation; be it academic, relationship/marriage, business, politics etc. you need to define boundaries.

The question now becomes what is boundary and how do you define boundaries? According to Psychology Today, “boundaries are the limits we set with other people, which indicate what we find acceptable and unacceptable in their behaviour towards us. The ability to know our boundaries generally comes from a healthy sense of self-worth or value for oneself in a way that is not contingent on other people or the feelings they have toward you.”

Boundaries help to define us, and states what we accept and what’s unacceptable. Boundaries can be likened to values. To understand how boundaries work, imagine a car without control; a man who has an uncontrollably anger problem; or a loose lady who has no respect for her body. Boundaries help you to protect yourself from distractions in life. As a result, every living creature needs a boundary. The simple reason we put boundary in our life is because you don’t want to accessible to just anyone.

Boundaries come in different shapes and sizes. As a rational mind, there are acceptable ways of communicating and engaging on social media. Civilized beings don’t use uncouth words. In a professional environment such as companies, organizations, institutions etc, boundaries are spelt out as a policy, rule and regulation.

When you decide to take a new route in life, it’s always good to inform those around you or your associates of your intentions, and expectations from them. They might be uncomfortable with the development, especially if it’s a radical and fundamental difference from the status quo. Those that care will respect you, while those who don’t literally value you, will show their true colour.

The advantages of creating boundaries are priceless. It gives you clarity and sanity of mind. It makes you understand what is important, and gives you a better understanding of who you are. It tells you about other people and most importantly, it defines you. Boundaries give you the ability to guard how you spend your time and resources. Setting a boundary gives you strength to say no, and to focus on what’s important. It is worthy of note as well that setting a boundary helps prevent obstacles.

It has a way of causing havoc, when boundaries are not properly set. For instance, without healthy boundaries, we can become resentful of the work we love; we can become resentful of those we love, especially if they don’t  value or appreciate our time or what matters to us. As rational human beings, boundaries mean different things to us. Whenever your value is trampled upon or you feel disrespected, you are bound to react.  According to an anonymous saying “Lack of boundaries invites lack of respect.

When you set a boundary, communicate it to people in the best possible way whether formally or informally. Let them know your plans and intentions. For example, you let them know when you are available and when you won’t be available. You can decide to put your phone either on silent mode or better still, switch it off. Boundaries must have limits.

Boundaries help you to understand people. For example, if you don’t show people who you are and what your capacity is, they will put you through anything. Why? Because you have shown that you value nothing; nothing, not even yourself. Be advised, if you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything and everything.

Naturally, human beings will test your boundaries. They will push you to the wall to see your reaction. The first way of attracting disrespect as a man or woman is when you don’t show boundaries. People will literally take you for granted.

A relationship is like building a house. When you build a house, you put gates and other security gadgets to protect you, your loved ones and what you value.  Relationship entails making a choice. Choice defines marriage. Your choice defines what you want, it determines what you admire in a person, what’s tolerable and intolerable and what makes you feel you are compatible with the person.

Boundaries play a role in marriage or any form of relationship. This is because your partner needs to know what you like? When people complain about their spouse, it is sometimes because their spouse is not aware of their concerns. Therefore, it’s imperative for you to communicate with your spouse. If you decide to keep quiet, how is your spouse supposed to know?

Marriage is supposed to be enjoyed as opposed to being endured. There’s a difference between endurance and tolerance. Endurance is accepting the things that cannot be changed, while tolerance is adjusting to things while hoping people will change.

If you don’t state your boundaries, it has a way of coming back at you. The reason many people get drained in life is because they are concerned about what other people will say. They wonder what will happen if they decline a request, they wonder how their friends and the world will perceive them.

In some instances, we want to look to our partners, colleagues at work, children or close allies, just because we don’t want to offend them. We fail to understand that, we might lose the relationship when the coin is flipped. We might even harm them in the long run in the process of trying to protect them. Isn’t it true you can spare the rod and spoil the child?

In some situations, we are afraid of the circumstances. For example, in a professional environment, where sexual advances are totally prohibited, a lady or a man might be afraid of setting clear boundaries to his/her boss because of the policy. Due to the retaliation which might follow suit, they might be tempted to allow their boundaries to lay low, especially when their job performance is low.

In conclusion, according to Robert Frost, “Good fences, make good neighbors.” Sacrificing ourselves therefore, for others, does more harm than good to the relationship. It is imperative to always show the green, yellow and red light where necessary. In that way, we save a lot of situations and dramas.

Henry Ukazu writes from New York. He’s a Human Capacity & mindset coach. He’s also a  public speaker. He works with the New York City Department of Correction as the Legal Coordinator. He’s the author of the acclaimed book Design Your Destiny – Actualizing Your Birthright To Success and President of gloemi.com. He can be reached via info@gloemi.com

Continue Reading
Click to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Adding Value

Adding Value: Appreciate Your Detractors by Henry Ukazu

Published

on

By

Dear Destiny Friends,

“I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is pleasing everyone”

Life has many twists and turns. The ability to successfully navigate them will usher any individual into a whole new dimension of existence. This is because sometimes, when we experience misfortunes, we think there’s a force working against us, yes, it might be true to some extent, but the truth is, it might be something totally unrelated to what one might be thinking. One’s mindset has a way of deceiving then, especially when they are not properly informed.

Whenever we experience misfortunes, or life doesn’t seem to align with our plans, expectations and desires, consider thinking out of the box to know what happened, instead of apportioning blame.

For instance, ask yourself if you made a mistake; if  the answer is yes, find out if you could have done differently. Again, did someone contribute to it or masterminded the act; was it a natural cause; was it because of a government policy; was it a case of Karma working against you; or is a case of detractors trying to set you up for failure. One’s ability to decipher the right answers to these questions will go a long way to fixing the issue.

For the sake of this article, we shall focus on detractors to x-ray their role in orchestrating one’s destiny. It’s generally normal for us to hate our enemies or anyone who has a negative vibe or energy towards us, but the truth remains that everyone we meet in life has a role the universe or destiny has planted or positioned them to play. The ability to know this truth will go a long way towards appreciating life.

It should be known that detractors are not as bad as they appear, yes. Some may be bad, agreed, but some are there to help us do better. Isn’t it true that only our true friends will drive us to do better? Whenever a mentor, friend, parent, supervisor, benefactor, or even your enemy admonishes you, please don’t take it personal. Look at their intent as opposed to their words.

My beloved mother will always say, when someone is speaking, always look at their heart as opposed to their words. Words can literally mean nothing if our actions don’t correlate with our words.

But when the criticism is from a place of disrespect or disdain, consider removing yourself from that space until the person receives sense. According to Uche Okorie, a Maritime lawyer, “When you are criticized objectively, examine it. If it is untrue, ignore it. If it is unfair, resist the temptation to be irritated. If it is ignorant, just smile. If it is justified, then it is NOT criticism, LEARN FROM IT!

It’s only myopic and uninformed minds that will take corrections from a negative perspective. Progressive minds welcome constructive criticism because it serves as a second eye for them. It is sad to see people who should appreciate the role of detractors in their life acting funny because they allow their ego to rule them. Hear this from me, if you have someone who will correct you on the right way, and because you feel you don’t like the person, or the person is younger than you, or whatever reason you have, you are actually doing yourself a disservice because if you had taken the opportunity to learn, maybe an opportunity would have popped out in the nearest future.

On a personal note, I have experienced detractors in my life when I was serving as the Public Relations Officer for the Nigerian Lawyers Association. Let me make this disclosure; my detractors were right in their concerns because my writing skills were indeed horrible at the said time, however, what I didn’t really like was the approach they used in correcting me. It came across to me in a sarcastic, derogatory and disdainful manner to the extent I almost felt like leaving the association, but for the influence of mentors who I regard as life savers, I was able to manage the situation and today, when I reference back, I’m glad I didn’t resign. The whole experience has really shaped my approach and outlook to life, especially when I mentor the younger generation and relate with people who ordinarily think life has no space for them.

Here’s my advice, please stop hating your enemies, they will make you stronger, especially when they want to see you fail. Your detractors have a role to play in your life. Without them, your life would be depressingly boring. You might not be inspired to do better. For instance, one of my driving forces was being told I was a horrible writer, and life might not be easy for me to live in America. I was even told to consider going back to Nigeria. All these I guess, came from a place of love if you look at my situation at the said time, but guess what, man is not God because nobody knows tomorrow.

If I was told I will have two books to my name and a co-author to another book, I won’t believe it. Maybe God has used the books to send a subtle message to my detractors. Furthermore, a horrible writer is now a prolific writer, who is read globally every week.

Let me ask you, what would Tom be without Jerry? How interesting will a James Bond movie be without a villain? If not for satan, many of us will not be serving God. If not for the lion that runs fast, the antelope would not run faster.

Let’s take it a little further, there was a race  I watched where Usain Bolt was running, he was looking at his colleagues while sprinting because they were inspiring him to run faster, when he looks back, and sees his rival closing in, he runs faster. Without his opponents, Usain Bolt wouldn’t have broken records. The moral here is that our enemies are as essential to us as oxygen is to life. Without them, one may never fulfil their potential or life’s purpose.

In conclusion, as you journey through, and experience life, always see your detractors as the necessary evil you can’t avoid on your way to success.

Henry Ukazu writes from New York. He works with the New York City Department of Correction as the Legal Coordinator.  He’s the founder of Gloemi. He’s a Transformative Human Capacity and Mindset coach. He is also a public speaker, youth advocate, creative writer and author of Design Your Destiny Design Your  and Unleash Your Destiny .  He can be reached via info@gloemi.com

Continue Reading

Adding Value

Adding Value: Running the Race of Life by Henry Ukazu

Published

on

By

Dear Destiny Friends,

Whether we like it or not, life is indeed a race; a race different from track and field. I call this race the race of life in which only the strongest of the strongest will survive it.

Everyone runs the race of life, directly or indirectly, consciously or unconsciously, wittingly or unwittingly. Whether you are a student, entrepreneur, parent, leader, athlete, child, career professional or pastor, we all are running the race of life in one way or another. This is simply because we want to advance in life.

If one is desirous of moving from point A to point B, they must be intentional to run the race of life. However, this does not apply to those, who likes to remain in their comfort zones or have little or no ambition.

The race of life works in many dimensions. For instance, anyone, who intends to be a professor, must complete a Bachelors and Masters degrees, and Ph.D. in the same vein, anyone, who intends to climb the corporate ladder, must start from being an intern or entry level career professional, and work their way up the corporate ladder to be either the Commissioner, Chief Financial officer, Executive Director, Managing Director, Senator, Governor, President or Chief Executive Officer depending on the industry and areas of interest. All these can only be possible when one runs the race of life efficiently, and has added a substantial level of value to his or her life.

It should be noted that the race of life is personal; nobody will run it for you. You are in charge and responsible for the outcome of your life. Nobody will run the race of your life for you.

According to Jay Z, “Rosa Parks sat so Martin Luther King could walk. Martin Luther King walked so Obama could run. Obama’s running so we all can fly.” This means they all ran the race of life by handing over the baton to you and me.

My late beloved mother will always say, when your mates are running, run with them, otherwise they will leave you behind. Yes, life do happen, but it just simply means that you must do your best by picking yourself up when if you fall. She also said that when a child is born, the child can’t enter his/her mother’s womb again. In the same way, as a progressive mind, you can’t enter your mother’s womb again, and as such you must live your life.  This literally means you must fight for your life by paying adequate attention to your life race.

In this journey called life, nobody will give you anything on the platter of gold, you must show people the reasons you need an opportunity. It’s just like in politics, nobody will literally give you power or any elective position without any corresponding effort on your part either by way of campaigning or showing that you deserve the position. In politics, one must grab power, no leader voluntarily gives up power to his opponent.

In the same way, one must go out to seek whatever they want or desire if really serious about making a headway. Did you know that the more risk, mistakes and opportunities one undertakes, the more luck one attracts.  So, continue to run your own peculiar race because one might not know the inherent and associated futuristic opportunities that will come as he continues to dare to succeed. If one does not try to run his race, one wouldn’t have known what he would have gained.

In my journey to life, I have failed numerous times, and I have also succeeded on several fronts, but one thing I have learnt overtime is the fact that one must step out of their comfort zones and do a little bit more by adding value to their lives in what may be referred to as self-knowledge and personal development. These are the things that will distinguish anyone from their contemporaries.

When you add value to your life, it will be easy for people to identify you. Nobody likes a parasite. The irony of life is that most people like to add water to a cup already filled with water as opposed to adding water to an empty cup. This literally means people go for ripe fruits. This is just the sad reality of life.

Wisdom entails that every one’s path is different, your journey and race is different from mine, and so the ability to know what’s unique about you will go a long way to designing your life. Just to put this in perspective, every morning, a lion knows that if it doesn’t go out and strategize on how to get the deer, or any other prey, it will go hungry for the rest of the day, and if the prey does not run for its life, it will be eaten by the lion. This is just the reality of life. Nobody can save you if you don’t save yourself. This is a typical case of a prudent mind saving money so that the money can save him in future.

Furthermore, and according to Dr. Yomi Garnett, “a giraffe is seen as the tallest but feeds on leaves, and a hyena eats meat and is short. A cow eats grass and gets fat, but if a lion eats it, it will fall flat and die. That is why you should never compare yourself with others. A stream that an elephant considers shallow would swallow a leopard. Therefore, run your own race at your own pace, in your own space to get to the right place without ending in disgrace”.

The moral of this quote is that what works for one person may not work for another person, as a matter of fact, it might even kill the other person. So, focus on the gifts God gave you, and don’t be envious of the blessings of another person. If you develop yourself, you will be celebrated.

In summary, if you are not running, endeavor to walk, if you can’t walk, endeavor to crawl; just ensure that at all times, you are in motion. This is the only way the universe will respond to you. A Latin maxim says, Ex nihilo nihil fit”, meaning that “you can’t build something on nothing”. So if you want streams of water to flow into your ocean, you must have a form of magnetic prowess to attract the water, and this will only work if you know how to run the race life by adding value to your life.

Henry Ukazu writes from New York. He works with the New York City Department of Correction as the Legal Coordinator.  He’s the founder of Gloemi. He’s a Transformative Human Capacity and Mindset coach. He is also a public speaker, youth advocate, creative writer and author of Design Your Destiny Design Your  and Unleash Your Destiny .  He can be reached via info@gloemi.com

Continue Reading

Adding Value

Adding Value: The Insatiable Nature of Man by Henry Ukazu

Published

on

By

Dear Destiny Friends,

There’s no doubt that human beings by nature are insatiable. When we get one opportunity, we always look for another. When we attain one height, we always look for another accomplishment. Isn’t it true that the end of one mountain is the beginning of another.

However, I don’t think it’s selfish for anyone to dare to succeed.

Being ambitious doesn’t make one an opportunist or disloyal. It all depends on one’s perception or outlook to life. It’s just natural for one to dream big. It’s only ugly when the process one chooses to achieve his desires becomes dirty and nasty.

According to a former Nigerian presidential candidate and seasoned Economist, Mr. Peter Obi, “if you must be referred to as “Your Excellency”, then the process through which you arrived in office must be excellent”.

If you desire to be reckoned with on the journey of existence, you must be legitimately hungry for success. One’s hunger for success will facilitate the drive to accomplish great tasks despite daunting obstacles posing as challenges.

When one has this mindset, one will not be bothered by the noise which serves as obstacles and challenges along the way. Negative and weak minds are always concerned on why something won’t work. They tend to focus their energy and reasons on the obstacles facing them. But great and productive minds always focus their energy on the reasons why it will work. This is the spirit of an insatiable mind who is a goal- getter.

It’s instructive to note that we can’t please everyone. According to Bill Cosby, a famous actor, “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.” Isn’t it true that when you talk, people will still talk about you, when you don’t talk, people will talk about you, so whether you talk or not, people will still judge you, so, do what’s best for you. There’s nothing you can do to please human beings. Your best option is to live your best life.

To understand how the insatiable nature of man works, one must be oneself. You don’t have to “please” anyone. Be yourself, and don’t try to be like anyone just to curry favour. It’s important to note that when you are yourself, the people that matter will come through for you, and the people that don’t matter will gradually find the bearing in another space because those that truly care don’t bother and those that bother don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.

Life has truly taught me to focus on the important things of life as opposed to the mundane things. It’s truly sad to see people spending more time on the little things of life, and spending little time on the important things of life. That’s just a misplaced priority.

When you are yourself, the best people can do is to copy or imitate your style. They can never imitate your creativity nor can take your originality from you.

We live in a world or society where people don’t generally care or show empathy. Most people tend to live around themselves, their family, and close associates. They generally find it hard to lift a finger to assist others for reasons best known to them. Rev. Fr. Ejike Mbaka once said, “we live in a wicked generation”, re-echoing the voices of a lot of people of the world. Some people in authority just have criminal expertise in amassing wealth of opportunities meant for the citizens without thinking of the citizens they are meant to serve.

It’s worthy of note that not everyone will like you nor support your work, but when you find people who truly care about you; please hold them tight. This is because despite having family members you have shown love and compassion, they might not still appreciate you even if you lay your life for them, they will still find something to say. Again, this is the insatiable nature of man.

It’s okay for everyone not to like you, normalize living your life for God, yourself, family and those that care about you. If everyone likes you, you have a problem.

Did you know that you can get a new family from friends, strangers, and acquaintances? These sets of people might appreciate you more than your own family members. They might not demand or under appreciate you like your family members and close friends or associates. Any little support you give them will be highly appreciated. Their focus is to see you do better.

In conclusion, as you desire to succeed in life, never give in to failure until you have made your last attempt, and never make your last attempt until you succeed. This literally means whatever you desire, dream it, think it, say it, and believe you can achieve it. This principle is generally applicable to relationships, businesses, family, personal and professional development.

Henry Ukazu writes from New York. He works with the New York City Department of Correction as the Legal Coordinator.  He’s the founder of Gloemi. He’s a Transformative Human Capacity and Mindset coach. He is also a public speaker, youth advocate, creative writer and author of Design Your Destiny Design Your  and Unleash Your Destiny .  He can be reached via info@gloemi.com

Continue Reading

Trending