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Love is not Enough for Your Relationship (Part 1)

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Although love is the foundation of any happy romantic relationship, love is not enough. In order to have a healthy relationship, both parties have to be willing to work on it. Below you’ll find 18 ways to keep your relationship strong.

Practice acceptance and appreciation.

The keys to mindful loving are acceptance and appreciation. Here’s a quote from Richo that expresses this idea: “In a true you and I relationship, we are present mindfully, non-intrusively, the way we are present with things in nature. We do not tell a birch tree it should be more like an elm. We face it with no agenda, only appreciation . . .”

Up and Downs

Recognize that all relationships have their ups and downs. Just as you can’t expect to be happy all the time, you shouldn’t expect your relationship to be at a continuous high.  When you make a long-term commitment to someone you have to be willing to ride the highs, as well as the lows, together.

Use the word “we”.

Research proves that couples who use the word “we” when talking are happier, calmer, and in general are more satisfied with their relationships than couples whose communication is more populated by the pronouns “you”, “me” and “I”.

The word “we” is a game changer. It sets off a program of connectedness in the brain so that instead of being in a “you vs. me” mindset, we’re in a collaborative mindset. This collaborative mindset makes us more loving and generous.

Follow the three-day gratitude plan.

Having an attitude of gratitude will revitalize your love life. A Study involving 77 married heterosexual and monogamous couples found that with expressed gratitude “participants reported that they felt more loving.”

“They also reported feeling more peaceful, amused, and proud. They perceived their partner as being more understanding, validating, caring, and generally more responsive. They were more likely to have reported spontaneously thanking their partner for something they’d appreciated on any given day. And they were more satisfied with the quality of their relationship overall.”

In order to get started with bringing more gratitude into your relationship recommends the following three-day gratitude plan:

  • Day 1: Find three qualities that you love about your partner and focus on those three qualities for the entire day.
  • Day 2: Identify three things that irritate you about your partner. Now forgive them for these things.
  • Day 3: For the entire day speak only kind words to your significant other.

Think of the three day plan as a cleansing which allows you to clear out feelings that keep your relationship from thriving.

Keep the 3:1 ratio.

Over the course of a day we have a variety of positive and negative experiences. This is also true when it comes to our relationship with our significant other. Most people think that as long as the positive experiences outweigh the negative, everything is fine. However, this isn’t so. It’s the ratio of positive to negative that matters.

Research has shown that the magical ratio for a flourishing relationship is at or above 3:1. That is, you need to have three times more positive experiences with your partner than negative experiences in order to have a healthy relationship.

Keep the novelty alive.

One of the positive aspects of being in a relationship with someone for a long time is that you really get to know each other. The negative side of this is that the novelty wears off, and humans love novelty.

However, there’s a way to keep the novelty alive: constantly try new activities together. This creates the excitement and the uncertainty that comes from the unknown, even if you’re with someone whom you know as well as the back of your hand.

Keep the playfulness alive.

We all love to play, regardless of our age. Do the following: have fun together; do something ridiculous together; and just let go. In addition, the next time that your partner says something that bothers you, try responding with a joke instead of getting defensive.

GIVE YOUR PARTNER SPACE.

The philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer used porcupines to explain a dilemma which often exists in human relationships. Two porcupines trying to keep warm will move closer to one another. However, if they get too close they prick each other with their spines.

The same thing happens in human relationships: we want closeness, but we also want space. The key is to find that sweet spot at which we feel the warmth that comes from being in a relationship, while at the same time allowing each partner to have enough space so that neither one feels like they’re being pricked by the other’s spines (feelings of lost individuality, feeling crowded, and so on).

SHOW EACH OTHER DAILY PHYSICAL AFFECTION.

Kory Floyd, Ph.D – a professor at Hugh Downs School of Communication at Arizona State University—explains that studies show that physical affection has a myriad of benefits. It releases feel-good hormones, it reduces blood pressure, it helps to release stress, it improves mood, and it’s associated with higher relationship satisfaction.

Showing physical affection can be as easy as kissing, holding hands, hugging, giving a back scratch, or putting a hand around the other person’s shoulder.

Use AAA.

Mira Kirshenbaum, psychotherapist and author of “The Weekend Marriage” explains that when your significant other is upset over something you’ve done, you should apply the AAA approach. This stands for apology, affection, and a promise of action. To elaborate:

  • Tell your partner that you’re sorry that you’ve hurt or disappointment them.
  • Offer a meaningful gesture of warmth, such as a hug or a kiss.
  • Pledge to take action that is meaningful to them.

 

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Kwibuka 30: Nigerian Community In Rwanda Visits Kigali Genocide Memorial

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By Dolapo Aina

The 30th Commemoration of the 1994 Genocide Against The Tutsi commenced in Rwanda on Sunday, April 7, 2024. The commemoration is called Kwibuka which in Kinyarwanda means “to remember.”
For clarity and context, April 7th 2024 marked the start of Kwibuka 30, the 30th commemoration of the Genocide against the Tutsi, which began on April 7th 1994. As with other commemorations, the Kigali Genocide Memorial was a focal point as the flame of remembrance was lit and global dignitaries placed wreaths at the mass graves. The memorial is normally closed to the public for part of the day on April 7th, with attendance at the lighting of the flame by invitation only.
In and around Kigali during the first week of the commemoration, a plethora of commemorations took place to mark Kwibuka 30 and different events took place during its first week in particular. Bars, clubs and public leisure facilities are usually closed for the week and this was so, this year.
The Nigerian Community in Rwanda marked Kwibuka 30 with a walk to the Kigali Genocide Memorial on Saturday, the 13th of April 2024. The walk had members (old, new and friends) of the Nigerian Community who gathered in the rain and walked to the location of the Kigali Genocide Memorial in Gisozi where the remains of over 250,000 people are interred.
A tour of the memorial complex ensued and the members of the Nigerian community watched a documentary in the viewing room. The documentary featured survivors of the 1994 Genocide Against The Tutsi who usually visit the memorial to pay their silent respect and reflections to loved ones who are buried in the burial grounds of the Genocide Memorial.
Walking through the hallways and rooms, Nigerians read the stories on the hallways and discussed amongst themselves. For some, it was their first time at the memorial, for others, it was the umpteenth visit. For Dolapo Aina, I have been visiting the memorial since April 2014 and for each visit (numbering close to 70 visits), I come out with a newer and clearer understanding. It was a sombre period going through the hallways and rooms as some people could not go through the emotions of going into the children’s room. Wreaths were laid at the grave site section and the members of the Nigerian community proceeded to a serene area of the complex facing the amphitheatre where there was a deep hour conversation with one of the officials of the Kigali Genocide Memorial.
Mr Jean Claude Mugisha (an official of the memorial in Gisozi) practically took the Nigerian community through the genesis of the history of Rwanda and the beginning of pogroms from the 1950s culminating in the 1994 Genocide Against The Tutsi. In Mr Mugabe words; “I have been able to forgive. Also, I am involved in unity and reconciliation activities and learning from the power of forgiveness.” Discussions also centred on justice systems, the role of Gacaca court system, reconciliation and nation building. Members of the Nigerian Community asked questions which were answered. Some of the questions triggered areas of collaboration.
Dolapo Aina got the thoughts of some Nigerians resident in Rwanda and who took part in the walk to the Genocide Memorial. Their responses were based on the following questions. Why did you partake in the walk organised by the Nigerian Community in Rwanda to commemorate Kwibuka 30? What was the experience like? Do describe your thoughts when you visited the Genocide Memorial? What stood out to you from the conversation the Nigerian Community had with officials of the Kigali Genocide Memorial? What lessons did you learn from the visit of the Nigerian Community to the Genocide Memorial?
Mr David Oboh in his words; “I partook in the walk to identify with a nation that experienced one of the worst crimes to humanity but today has become a beacon of hope to African nations that things can actually turn around for the better if you decide to. It was heart-wrenching seeing the bones and pictures of the victims murdered in cold blood by family members, neighbours and long-time friends.” On the third question about what stood out during the conversation, Mr Oboh said; “That a man after 15 years in jail came out and still committed murder because he thought he had killed everyone in a family. His mind had not left the past.” He also stated that; “The memorial is a reminder to all that history not forgotten cannot be repeated.”
In Ms. Mercy Odebode’s words: “It not my first time visiting the memorial but this was a different experience for me because it made me realise why Rwandans tend to certain things and also don’t do certain things. For example, viewing religions especially religious institutions like the church differently from the way Nigerians would view it.” She stated that what stood out for her was: “The peace education stood out for me.” On lessons learnt from the visit by the Nigerian community; “First spread peace and not hate. Secondly, forgiveness is not an obligation, you choose to forgive. However, it is good to educate people about forgiveness, educate to forgive and then you proceed with reconciliation.”
Mr. Ogah Ogbole stated that: “The walk by the Nigerian community is something I would not want to miss anytime. I have the opportunity to do so with my fellow countrymen. My experience visiting the memorial and my thoughts can be summed up as ⁠heartbreaking to see fellow Africans killed in cold blood, by their own brothers. Something must have gone wrong somewhere. What stood out for me during the conversation with the officials of the memorial was that Rwandans understand history; they know how to resolve conflict and they know how to move forward. And I learnt to love my brother and my neighbour. More especially, seeing the Rwandans committed to remain one despite the 1994 Genocide Against the Tutsi blows my mind.”
Another Nigerian, Mr Kelechi Anyanwu stated that: “Partaking in the walk organised by Nigerian Community in Rwanda to commemorate Kwibuka 30 is a civic responsibility which I owe the host country; to stand in solidarity with them at this time of remembrance and in all times. I have visited the genocide memorial site more than 20 times within the short period that I’ve lived here in Rwanda. And every time I visit, I weep. Never will I stop visiting because it offers and brings me close to the reality of sober reflection that one day we shall all be gone and will only be remembered by those we left behind and how we left, will matter. Did we impact their lives positively or negatively? What will you be remembered for?”
On the experience and thoughts about visiting, Mr Anyanwu went thus: “It is also a constant reminder of how desperately wicked people’s hearts can be. With few exceptions. Lions, the king of the jungle don’t kill lions even as animals. Howbeit human beings with 6th sense got to the level of committing such crime against humanity! Therefore, visiting the Genocide memorial site is to provoke the whys and hows and arrive at a conclusion of never again should we condole or tolerate the killing of each other. Let’s love and not hate. The tour and the speech by the officials were quite insightful and significant as it left us with a better understanding of the effects of genocidal damage to humanity. The process of restoration. restitution, rehabilitation and reuniting to rebuild a nation for all; are the testaments of genocide survivors.”

Another Nigerian, Mr Cosmas Anakwue stated; “I took part in the walk to support the Nigerian community and to support Rwanda’s commemoration of Kwibuka 30. My experience at the memorial was good as it was an eye opener; it was informative and educational. What stood out for me was the attention given to the Genocide events and how we can relate it to our history as Nigerians. And one of the lessons I learnt was that we should use our bad history as a building block for our various nations in unity, peace and progress.
According to Kwibuka Rwanda, Kwibuka marks a generational cycle since The Genocide Against The Tutsi was put to an end. And it is a time to reflect on Rwanda’s journey of rebuilding strength, resilience, and unity. It now falls to new generations to sustain and carry forward this progress, adapting to today’s global challenges to achieve Rwanda’s aspirations.
The Nigerian Community in Rwanda commenced commemorating Kwibuka with a walk to the Genocide memorial in 2019.

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Connect Initiative To Celebrate Gov. Umo Eno’s 60th Birthday With Empowerment Programme

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Connect Initiative, a socio-political group of entrepreneurs and professionals is set to commemorate the 60th birthday of Akwa Ibom State Governor, Pastor Umo Eno by empowering 60 vulnerable people from across the 31 Local Government Areas of the state.

The empowerment programme scheduled to hold in Uyo, the State capital on Tuesday, April 23, 2024 would witness the group presenting financial support to the beneficiaries.

According to a statement by the Connect Council“ Knowing full well His Excellency’s modest and humble disposition, we totally agree with his decision not to throw any huge party when many of our people are struggling to meet their basic needs, which has led the state government to establish the Bulk Purchase Agency and introduce a Food Sufficiency Intervention Programme which involves the distribution of free staple foodstuff: rice, beans and garri.

“For us at Connect Initiative, we believe we should support this noble vision of giving a boost to people at the grassroots. We believe that by helping these people develop, the beneficiaries can gain the power to sustain their livelihoods, achieve self-sufficiency and also contribute their quota to the development of our dear state.

The Council further stated “Governor Umo Eno has been in the forefront of efforts engendering business and economic growth with the creation of different initiatives including the establishment of the Ibom Leadership and Entrepreneurial Centre (Ibom-LED) aimed at cutting down poverty figures and providing unique opportunities for youths interested in making a career of their talents, thus his idea of not feeding them fish but teaching them how to fish is commendable.

Connect Initiative which was one of the groups that campaigned vigorously for Governor Umo Eno at the last gubernatorial election noted that in line with its pay-off line “connecting the dots”, it would henceforth be linking government’s programmes to the people at the grassroots with innovative and value-added projects that would have direct impact on the people.

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How Atiku, Others Prevented Implosion of PDP at NEC Meeting – Ex-Rep Dagogo

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A former member of the National Assembly from Rivers State, Dagogo Farah, has said but for the political maturity and sagacity employed by former Vice President Atiku Abubakar, and other leaders, the Peoples Democratic Party would have “‘played into the hands of some individuals, who wanted it to implode to improve their political fortunes at its 98th National Executive Committee, NEC meeting on Thursday.

Dagogo, who described Atiku as the National Leader of the party said this while describing the outcome of the NEC meeting as another demonstration of the resilience of the party to weather any storm that comes its way.

Dagogo who represented the Degema-Bonny federal constituency in the House of Representatives noted that that in the build up to the NEC Meeting, suggestions and permutations had been rife of the likelihood of the PDP running into another round of crises as the party tries to navigate a path for the North Central Zone to produce a substantive National Chairman to complete the truncated tenure of former Chairman, Dr. Iyorchia Ayu.

Dagogo was quoted in press statement issued by his media aide, Ibrahim Lawal, Dagogo as saying this while speaking on the sidelines of the NEC meeting that saw Umar Damagum retaining his position as the Party’s Acting National Chairman until the subsequent NEC meeting scheduled for August.

The former lawmaker pointed out that those who genuinely have the best interests of the PDP at heart made timely sacrifices to keep the party firm and afloat.

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According to him, for the political maturity and sagacity employed by the Party’s National Leader and Former Vice President, Alhaji Atiku Abubakar, along other leaders, before and during the NEC Meeting, the party would have “‘played into the hands of some individuals, who wanted the party to implode in order to improve their political fortunes”‘.

He expressed optimism that by the adjourned date of August, Damagum would have seen that “it is in the best interest of the party for him to vacate the position for a more purposeful and result oriented leadership”.

” For me, the outcome of the NEC Meeting was a win-win situation. Against all odds, the party came out unscathed and will continue to wax stronger. Yes, the Acting Chairman retained his position, but it is obvious to him now and others that it would be in the best interest of the party for him to vacate that position for a more purposeful and result oriented leadership by August.

Dagogo further said that “The so called tension generated in the build up of the NEC meeting was actually orchestrated by the inordinate desire of some few individuals who wanted to thwart the sterling call by party faithful for a review of its failing leadership and directionless.

“The Party however did not play into the hands of those individuals, who wanted the party to implode in order to improve their political fortunes, thanks in good measure to the political maturity and sagacity employed by the Party’s National Leader and Former Vice President, Alhaji Atiku Abubakar, along other leaders, before and during the NEC Meeting. We are where we now because of their sacrifices and dedication to the party, ” he added.

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