It was around 6 pm and I had just returned from my hustle. As soon as I entered the passage of my “face me I face you” apartment, I was enveloped by a thick cloud of smoke, I had to rush back outside to make sure the house was not on fire, then I went back in this time better prepared. I was shouting; who dey house, who dey house? As I banged different doors, but nobody responded. I rushed into my room, changed my clothes and just as I stepped back outside, I ran into Mama Nkechi who said the smoke was coming from my Hausa neighbour next door, Danladi’s room, it’s a smoke of an over burnt food and he
doesn’t seem to be home because they’ve been knocking on his door. She said Baba Shade already went to get a carpenter so they can break down his door and put off whatever fire it was before it burns down the whole house. Burn down the whole house ke? I re echoed. God forbid, so it will burn down my most cherished asset of a 14 inches SONY Television and my DVD player. The carpenter finally arrived with Baba Shade and work began in earnest on “Bring down Danladi’s door”. After prolonged thuds and bangs, the door came down in the midst of a thick smoke in Danladi’s room, as we entered we saw two things that struck us in awe; first was a pot of burnt beans on an electric plate (both the beans and the pot were burnt beyond recognition). Second was the lifeless body (or so we thought) of Danladi on his bed with a laptop dangling over him, and a set of earpiece were trapped in his ears.
Mama Nkechi was just entering the room as I made for the windows to open them so that some good fresh air can come in. Suddenly, Danladi sprang on his feet shouting; barawu, barawu banza, shege Dan buromba, he reached under his bed and reappeared with a cutlass. The confusion that ensued was of massive proportions; mama Nkechi who was just by the door made an immediate u turn, the carpenter and baba Shade both headed for the door, I didn’t hang around to find out who made it out first, as I escaped through the wooden window I was trying to open (thank God his window had no burglary proof due to a theft incident that occurred just before the other tenant packed out). As I landed on the other side still trying to regain my balance, I looked just behind me and saw a shining cutlass and an outstretched arm by the window, suddenly Danladi’s face emerged, I regained my balance and took off in full flight. I ran the length of the building to the front yard and saw Mama Nkechi already on the other side of the road, how she made it that quick still remains a mystery as baba Shade and the carpenter were just coming out through the front door, I looked over my shoulder and Danladi was behind me holding his cutlass and still shouting “barawu”, whatever that means. Myself, Baba Shade and Oga carpenter made it in good time to join mama Nkechi on the other side of the road, then Danladi suddenly stopped; looked at us at the other side of the road, looked at the cutlass he was holding, then burst into laughter. He beckoned to us to join him, but we all declined and chose to stand aloof across the road, until he called all of us by our names; baba Shadii, mama Nkochi, oga carfenter, Lagos sharff Guy. I told him to drop his cutlass as we approached him, baba Shade took a handful of sand and poured it at him; is it really Danladi or a ghost, is he dead or actually alive? We went back inside the house except the carpenter who headed back to his shop, the smoke was still all over. It suddenly dawned on Danladi what just happened, he rushed into his room and switched off his electric plate, we followed him in, and he began by saying that he had already forgotten that he had beans on the fire as he was so engrossed with season 2 of “Empire” which he had just downloaded on his laptop. “Danladi”, mama Nkechi shouted, “e remain small make you convert all this whole house to ashes”. She went and picked up the burnt pot of burnt food.
Danladi smiled and went and sat on his bed, his laptop was still hanging and dangling from over the top, we all left him and went to our different rooms. A few minutes later, I heard a noise in the corridor and I peeped, it was Danladi arguing with baba Shade to get the carpenter who broke his door to come back and fix it. He made it clear that he won’t take it lightly with any of us in that house if his new “Affle” laptop gets stolen.
After about 30 minutes of argument, they both went to call the carpenter who came back to repair his door. I was just thinking, thank God for this narrow escape. So what would have happened if we didn’t take matters into our hands? We would by now probably have lost all our valuables in that house to that fire incident, including my 14 inches SONY Television. God forbid.
So because Danladi bought a new laptop, he wants to burn the whole house down?
This is the diary of a Lagos Sharp Guy starring Lamide Adenuga.
Everything you read here is pure fiction just so you can get a good laugh.