Your Excellency Yakubu Dogara,
I’m writing to commiserate with you on the recent turn of events. It is now your turn to face the music and maybe dance along to the tunes. It was Saraki’s turn yesterday and it is now your turn today. My people have a proverb: ‘Mokan mo kan loye nkan, oye to ba kan ara Ede, o n bo wa kan ara Iwo’- life is turn by turn, if life rotates towards a citizen of Ede town now, it is certain that it will soon become the turn of the Iwo man tomorrow.
Incidentally, your Deputy Lasun Yusuf who is from Osun State and is in the same padded boat with you, will explain the proverb better. His hometown Ilobu is just a few minutes away from Ede and Iwo.
My main purpose is to advise you on the template you can use so that you can cope with the recent turn of events. I know of a template that is foolproof and I will share it with you free of charge. You can thank me later- but not with anything padded, sir. It’s the ‘Saraki Template’- ST for short. There’s no point re-inventing the wheel, Your Excellency. If something has worked well for someone in similar circumstances, it will also work well for you-especially since you’re both children of the same circumstance.
Get your own Dino Melaiye. Honourable Abdulrazak Namdas, your Chairman, House Committee on Media and Public Affairs is no Dino Melaiye. Has he slapped his wife before? Has he been called a dog and he threatened to do what only dogs do? Has he made any menopausal statements before? Does he have a pedigree of being involved in brawls with his dress torn? Has he ever walked on the street of Bourdillon while daring the lion of the jungle? If the answer is no, then your strategy is wrong and you are in serious trouble. Don’t you know that ‘omo ina ni a ma n ran si ina’- only a fiery child can confront another?
Let me tell you a short story I heard from the grapevine. A man who wanted to contest for the governorship of a state where Amala politics once reigned supreme went to consult the godfather who is now of infamous memory. Looking straight into his eyes, the godfather asked him, “Can you kill”? Bewildered, the candidate shook his head. “Can you lie against another person while looking into his eyes with a straight face?”, the godfather asked again. Looking more confused, the man shook his head again. “Can you take the Bible or Quran and swear falsely?”, asked the godfather yet again. This time, the candidate’s response was an emphatic no. “Then you can’t be governor”, the godfather chorused.
I hope you understand my drift. Please don’t give the task to Mohammed Ndume either. Mohammed Ndume can’t lie with a straight face. The way he defended you the other day, he sounded like he did not believe his own words. I could almost bet I saw a smirk on his face. If he doesn’t sound like Dino or talk like Dino, he can never be the right person. Moreover, he must be ready to die for you like Dino was ready to die for Saraki.
When you start attending your own court cases, also go with a coterie of House members. About 50 Senators followed Saraki to court, please ensure about 100 House Members follow you. The more, the better. Saraki went with 90 lawyers- you go with 180. There is strength in numbers. Let them even sing the popular Yoruba battle cry- “W’eyin re wo, bo o lomo ogun, bo o lomo ogun, W’eyin re wo’ (look behind you and see if you have supporters or not). The more your supporters, the more believable you are. The larger your crowd, the more innocent you are. It is only the person who wants to lie or is guilty that will say only God is his witness. We, your crowd, are your witnesses. Let your crowd also carry banners and placards testifying to your integrity. Let the women carry placards that you are being persecuted because of the sound of your name. You may need to quickly give yourself a nickname. Have you forgotten that anytime Saraki enters the court, everyone shouts ‘Oloye’? What will they call you as you make your triumphant entry into the court? Doggy baba? That doesn’t sound nice at all. Please look for a nickname quickly.
I shouldn’t be telling you this but it’s part of the template. You need to start digging up some dirt about those assigned to your case. You know there is no high profile citizen of this country who doesn’t have a skeleton in his or her cupboard- if you search well. If the judge’s integrity looks padded, then he can’t find you guilty of padding since you are paddies. If you can’t smear the judge, smear anyone else- including the godfather. He must be behind your recent travails. He never actually forgave you for your ambition. Smear the whistle blower also. Let people know that a small thief should not accuse a bigger thief because of quarrel over sharing formula of their loot. And you can prop up another person to appeal the certificate issue. Those who have certificate issues should not throw stones or laugh at a distance. Play the victim. Release a statement. Pretend that the onslaught against your padding excellency is an onslaught against the legislature. In your statement, just like Saraki, don’t forget to tell the world that you’re also prepared to go to jail and be a happy guest if that is the alternative to defending our democracy. Please remember to quote Martin Luther King Jr also.
Now, if all the above don’t serve the intended purpose, you can then drop the last joker. This one has never failed before. It is like what my people call ‘ajebi’idan’- works like magic. Or ‘ata ma tase’- hits the bull’s eye. Still guessing? Here it is- start a rumour of impeachment of Mr President. Plant the news in some ‘friendly’ newspapers. Of course, they will quote ‘reliable sources’. Is any source more reliable than you? After the rumour has been given wings, come out to deny and denounce it. Instruct your members to also denounce it. Now, pledge your loyalty to the President. That action will get them off your back as they are reminded of their ‘mortality’.
It worked for Saraki. Once you do this, they will drop you like a bad habit and go for another person. And then you can breathe easy. Until another scandal breaks.
I wish you the best.